Thanks for all the birthday wishes.  Today's been pretty rough though.
I wanted to make a reflection journal, but I guess I'll get to the important stuff first.
warning, this goes on like a rambling rant.  I'm still kind of disheveled by this.

My friend's step brother was shot and killed yesterday and we found out this morning.  :/
He just turned 15 last week.  I only really knew him from when Allen was at his mom's house on skype.  Guest voice appearances.
mmm complicated story I guess.

Uh. well.  In April I met Allen at an anime convention and we talked on facebook every day for 2-3 weeks afterwards.  We live about 40 miles apart across state lines.  So, we ended up hanging out every other weekend and going to all sorts of places.  We've met a handful of each other's friends, and we're pretty close now.  (I also started frequenting a forum he's a moderator of, and the members are generally close knit)
last few weeks we've been group calling on skype, etc
I've also become friends with his mom and other little brother on facebook.
there's just so much to this I don't know how to sum it up

but, well.  This last weekend I had my birthday party in his state at this laser tag place.  Only two of my school friends ended up going because it's kind of far away.  He, and two other friends went though.  and it was nice.  then sunday we were planning on going to the zoo with one of his friends I haven't met before, but she couldn't make it.  we went anyways.  it was really great just being with them.

so.  This morning I got up and was checking messages/birthday stuff, whatever.  and I found in my news feed a post on his wall from his mom.  about the shooting :<
I was in disbelief but then I started freaking out and tried to call one of our friends to wake him up/confront him.  But he didn't pick up, so I had to call Allen myself.  Told him he should probably check his facebook and call his mom.

then the friend I was trying to call (Ben) got on, and he called him.  said he was really quiet.

I felt terrible. I just kind of sat around looking for more information.  other family member's facebooks / local news.  I deleted all the "happy birthdays" off my facebook wall.  then one of my friends said she'd do anything to help if I asked.  So I got the idea to go visit him and see how he was doing.  Usually when we hang out, Ben drives us around and picks up/takes people to the train station.  Two of my friends were thinking of going with me, but their parents said no because they were concerned about the whole shooting deal.  So one of them just dropped me off and I was on the train alone.  

I also snuck out without telling my dad.  Borrowed my sister's cellphone.  and had almost nothing on me.  I called my mom and told her what was happening, but for the most part she was worried/freakingout because I was by myself and when I actually got to the other state I was only with boys.  because boys are so terrible you know.  (actually, for most of my school life I haven't hung out with guys outside of school.  and all of a sudden I've been hanging out with Allen and his friends every other weekend.  I feel like I have a lot more freedom with them.  Like, hell.  when I "hung out" before, it'd just be walking 3 blocks down the street not an hour driving on highways.)

anyways.  I met up with Ben and another guy, Nate.  then we went to the gas station and bought him cherry coke and mentos.  then we picked up Greg.  and then we went to his house.  
For the most part he seemed like he was taking it the best he could.  He was kind of quiet when his mom talked to us about it, and when she left he didn't talk about it much.  But he was holding up.  Then Ben almost let us leave without giving him a hug.  (I could kind of tell he was expecting a hug but didn't want to initiate one) or maybe that was my imagination.  But I walked back across the room and hugged him.  and the rest of the guys followed after, and we had a big group hug.  

Then we were going to leave.  But Ben's car broke down...

So we ended up staying for another hour while waiting for rides.   We watched dr. phil.  And episode about facebook/internet + relationships.  My mom decided to drive over from the city because she was freaking out so much.  (btw our locations: I live in a county/suburb --> Downtown/City --> River --> their town)  My mom works downtown.

and yeah.  So I came home with my mom.  I'm not allowed to go over to visit them for a while because she's afraid of more gang violence kind of stuff (she'll also be gone for a few weeks on a trip to china and doesn't want anything happening while she's gone).  But I didn't get in too much trouble.  

So.  Now I'm 17.  Old enough for people on the internet to be 4 years younger than me.  It feels strange.  I'll be a senior when school comes around.
I have to say, 16 was probably the best year of my life.  For three main reasons:
- On my birthday last year I went to Chicago for 2 weeks to attend a summer art college program.  First time I've been away from home "by myself" for so long. I was also with one of my best friends, and we shared a dorm together.  Living in a building full of art kids for two weeks, no parentals.  I never expected this to happen before I actually went off to college for real, because my parents are always complaining about how they don't have money.  They ended up paying around $1300-1500 for me to go.
- When I got back from chicago I purchased my Cintiq tablet with the money I saved up from conventions.  Painting skills continued to improve throughout the year.  /self explanatory

- I got to meet Allen.  I am forever thankful of this.  I really wish I could show you guys how much my life's changed.  But it's really something you have to be there to see.  I couldn't ask for more in someone.  and even if he doesn't share the same feelings for me, I can be content knowing he exists.  

So.  yeah.  Allen, if you took the time to read all of this, know that I'm sorry for what happened to Marquise.  I'm sorry for what you and your family/everyone are going through.  You should already know I love you.

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